Defending “Honor.”
It’s hard to feel sympathy when famous people complain about how difficult their lives are, but a few years back I got a little glimpse of how exhausting it can potentially be.
I was driving out of London in the middle of July and happened to see Jeremy Clarkson. Despite the heat, he was still wearing jeans and a denim shirt. Without really thinking about it, I wrote on Twitter that I’d seen him and that he was still somehow wearing denim, and as I’d used his Twitter handle he replied. “Walk of shame,” he tweeted, and that was the end of our interaction.
Eighteen months later — eighteen months— someone liked his reply to me.
A few people liked it at the time, and fair enough, but someone was so deep in Clarkson’s Twitter feed that they were reading his replies to people he didn’t know from a year and a half in the past. It was genuinely creepy, and I realised that I’m not sure I’d ever want strangers to like me that much. I resolved then and there to remain unsuccessful and ignored, and I’ve exdcuted the plan flawlessly.
This is one of the reasons I was surprised this morning when I got an email telling me that someone had commented on my Medium post.
The reply was to something I wrote five or six years ago, which shows how long it’s been since I posted anything on Medium. The “something” in question was part of a short series I wrote reviewing old romantic comedies, in this case the Patrick Dempsey/Michelle Monaghan vehicle “Made of Honor.” It probably goes without saying that I wasn’t kind about the film, but the comment I was being alerted to was in response to a scene in the film in which an old car gets destroyed. I had to go back and re-read it to even understand what was being discussed.
In an unsuccessful attempt at wacky hijinks, the film (which is partly set in Scotland) has the hero attempt to toss a caber during a Highland Games event, only to fail and have it land on someone’s expensive car. The point I made was that nobody in the movie ever brings this up again, as though demolishing a classic car with half a tree was just one of those things that people shrug off. But I’d referred to it as a Jaguar, and Elaine McGuinness wasn’t going to let me get away with it.
My initial response was to laugh. Someone who was accusing me of being condescending and wrong whilst simultaneously mis-spelling “vitriol,” and also: Who gives a shit?! Honestly, what sort of person in 2024 is this concerned about a Patrick Dempsey movie?! This is “eighteen months of Jeremy Clarkson’s replies” levels of insanity.
Then I started thinking more and more about it. I’m not being rhetorical: What kind of person would do this? I don’t know who Elaine McGuinness is. I know a guy whose last name is McGuinness and I honestly checked with him to make sure this wasn’t some sort of strange prank. He didn’t know what was going on, either.
Being of a curious bent (or at least, having unmedicated ADHD), I checked up on Patrick Dempsey on Wikipedia to see if he had legions of fans that I’d potentially upset.
You might remember Dempsey from his leading role in “Greys Anatomy” ten years ago, or else understand why I said “might” remember, just now. If you’re struggling to picture him, that’s completely normal. He’s an American actor who resembles a less-crazy Sean Penn. Or maybe Sean Penn is just Patrick Dempsey from an alternate timeline in which he drank from the wrong Grail.
Either way, Dempsey’s Wikipedia proves that he’s actually not just “that guy from that thing.” He also turns out to be a world-class juggler (he lost out on a juggling title to Anthony Garto, who went on to be considered the best juggler in the world by the sort of people who would have you believe that’s a thing.) He was People’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and not twenty years ago like you’d expect — he won that last year! He’s driven multiple motor races and collects classic cars, he overcame dyslexia by learning to memorise his scripts, and he raises money for good causes. Maybe I was too harsh on him. Maybe Elaine McGuinness was right to leap to his defense.
Or maybe Elaine McGuiness is Patrick Dempsey’s sock puppet account.
Stick with me, here. Look at everything we just learned.
Whoever wrote that comment has an Irish name, knows a lot about classic cars, cares deeply about the career of Patrick Dempsey, can’t spell, and has a lot of free time.
Could dyslexic, auto-racing, Patrick Dempsey (who has no upcoming projects) be searching the internet for what people are saying about his films and trying to dunk on people who are mean about them?! I honestly can’t rule it out, because it’s probably less crazy than some woman being mad at me for mis-identifying a car in brief scene from a film that came out sixteen years ago.
I don’t have a conclusive answer, here. I just feel like maybe I am now the sworn enemy of People’s Sexiest Man 2023. And that man is Elaine McGuinness.
My guess is I’ll never hear from him again…
…but I know it’s you, Patrick. I know you’re reading this. And if you’re this mad about some dickhead on the internet, I really wouldn’t want to be World Juggling Champion Anthony Garto…